“Imagine you’re at a party. A guy offers you a drink. You say no. He says ‘Come on, one drink!’ You say ‘no thanks.’ Later, he brings you a soda. ‘I know you said you didn’t want a drink, but I was getting one for myself and you looked thirsty.’ For you to refuse at this point makes you the asshole. He’s just being nice, right? Predators use the social contract and our own good hearts and fear of being rude against us. If you drink the drink, you’re teaching him that it just takes a little persistence on his part to overcome your ‘no.’ If you say ‘Really, I appreciate it, but no thanks’ and put the drink down and walk away from it, you’re the one who looks rude in that moment. But the fact is, you didn’t ask for the drink and you don’t want the drink and you don’t have to drink it just to make some guy feel validated.” —The Art of “No,” JenniferP
Hello my beautiful friends,
I saw this online and I think it is a very true and important lesson we all have to learn. This applies for me in so many situations, I am terrible at saying NO to people, because I either a. don’t want to offend b. be perceived as rude or c. giving in is just the easier option instead of having to keep fighting for your NO until it gets awkward.
Like Jennifer says, often it is something we didn’t ask for, we don’t want it so why feel obliged to accept it?! Giving in eventually does not teach people to respect your decisions but gives the impression you’re easy and that they just need to be pushy for a bit and they’ll get their own way. Saying NO and being true to what I feel and want is something I need to work on, even with friends. If they are good friends they should understand if you don’t want to do something or go somewhere for example and you should not feel bad about perhaps letting them down or offending them. In the end it is your life and you should be doing what makes you feel best.
I’d like to think that in certain situations I am a leader, but actually mostly, especially in social situations I am a follower and I don’t want to seem needy or bossy by fighting for what I want, so I just come across blasé and follow others decisions.
I find it strange how the notion of offending someone is so hard wired as unacceptable into many peoples brains, to the extent that they ignore their own hearts, instincts and thoughts of what is right, just to follow that unwritten rule. I was just watching A Girl With A Dragon Tattoo the other day, and at the end Martin Vanger the bad guy says something along the lines of: ‘It is strange how strong the fear of offending someone is. You knew there was something not right, but you came in regardless when I invited you in. I didn’t force you to come, you ignored your instincts because you didn’t want to offend and willingly came in.’ So again, even in a situation of danger, the fear offending was stronger than the instinct to run.
So it is important to learn to speak for yourself and stick to your guns, learning to say NO and being selfish sometimes is something we should all give some thought to! Let me know your thoughts on the subject!
Love Carina xo